Don't be a bully

Last weekend, we celebrated my mum's 70th birthday. Some family friends offered their lovely home as the venue and 30-40 of us gathered on Sunday afternoon in the Spring sunshine. It was a really fabulous day with close family and special friends, with a surprise visit from one of my mum's 'adopted' children from Scotland as an additional treat.

As I surveyed the scene, small groups greeting each other with hugs, catching up on news, sharing a joke, another glass of Pimms, I noticed that one of my young nieces, who is usually full of energy and enthusiasm, seemed rather subdued. She was keeping herself away from the other kids, not smiling much and there was none of her usual banter and well, loudness! Eventually, her mum discovered that she was suffering from a rough time being bullied at a party the day before. She had been physically pushed around, and called names which shouldn't come out of a child's mouth. As we were at a house she didn't know well, with some other kids around she doesn't see very often, she had decided to keep a low profile so that she didn't suffer the same abuse of the day before. How heartbreaking! She did seem to perk up after her mum had assured her that she was surrounded by people who loved her and could relax and enjoy herself, but she had spent most of the day already hiding away.

I hope she manages to give the lovely, safe, fun day on Sunday a higher profile in her memory bank than her experience the day before. Often, this sort of negative experience can cause automatic responses when children find themselves in a similar situation, and can sometimes become a habit which goes into adulthood - in this case, being subdued at large gatherings in unfamiliar places.

In her book 'The Journey for Kids', Brandon Bays describes many case studies where children have adopted a behaviour pattern as a result of one seemingly insignificant event. For example, she discovered that a child who was being labelled a 'loner' at school, was in fact, removing himself from large groups because it 'reminded' him of the feeling of being scared at a fireworks display, and being told he should enjoy himself. Brandon Bays has her own process for helping children and adults to adjust the way they feel about these types of memories, which in turn de-activates the automatic response. The important thing is to replace all negative feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity, for example, with those of happiness, security and confidence. We can't change the past, but we can change how we feel about it.

It just goes to show how important it is to observe what our children are experiencing and making sure we are not dismissive, when something could become a significant event in their lives. The same goes for flippant remarks, like "Don't be a wimp", which I've heard delivered to the same child more than once in the past. It can take only one remark like this for it to become a truth in the child's subconscious: "I'm a wimp." Reassurance is far more effective.